yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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