her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
