maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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