Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
