The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
