I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
ugly people sure do ruin things
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
