Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
