I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
