Already got asked if we're dating
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
