After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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