There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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