Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize