I just saw a hot homeless man
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
