All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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