i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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