Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We have so much sex to catch up on
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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