Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
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