Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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