Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
