I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
