Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
