Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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