You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I smell like Dick and happiness
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
