Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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