I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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