so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
