Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
