eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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