What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize
