Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
