why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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