I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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