respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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