I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
