If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
