Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
