Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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