I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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