just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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