What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
