If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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