My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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