so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
