I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
