hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
