true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
