I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
