I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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