I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Boobs speak an international language.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize