I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you inspire me to be a worse person
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
