She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
