I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
