my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My ATM looks so different sober.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
