Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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