I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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