either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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