He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize