hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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