I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
